Stop Waiting. Validate Yourself

It costs nothing to give but it can cost everything to receive. It can be sought after in an interaction. It is a measure of satisfaction in a relationship or as a measure of parenting. Validation connects us and the lack of it, disconnects us.

The word validate (used since the mid 17th Century) is defined as:

• check or prove the accuracy of something

• make or declare legally valid

• demonstrate or support the truth or value of something

• recognize or affirm the validity or worth of (a person or their feelings or opinions); cause (a person) to feel valued or worthwhile

Only in the last several decades has this last definition evolved from a legal or scientific research term to psychological, from value in data to value and worth in a person.

The Parent Trap of Conditional Validation - so many times adult clients have told me whatever they are doing in their lives, they hope for approval/blessing/validation by a surviving parent or guardian that they're not getting.

How did they get to this point? Why can't they get the validation they want? What about other options?

In America's action-oriented, doing culture, it's easy for parents to inadvertently buy into valuing their children based on what their children do. It can start with "Good job!" when children are young (like in the photo) to achieving high grades to scoring goals to what college(s) accepts them to what job they land after graduation. Conditional validation based on accomplishments and achievements turns into the trap of "what have you done for me lately" that can be internalized into I'm not good/valued/loved if I'm not successful.

Unconditional validation, on the other hand, is a great counter to this trap. Healthy parenting fosters both conditional and unconditional validation in children, the message through words, tone of voice, body language and eye contact that they are valued and loved by not what they do but who they are, for just being themselves as well as what they do.

How much is enough unconditional validation for a child? Enough so they are nourished by it the way they are nourished by conditional validation. ("Hey Mom, I'm proud of myself for ___")

For the many adults who never received or rarely received validation of any kind by a parent or guardian growing up, it's not too late. In your own therapy, talk about your younger self and what you went through and what you didn't get from your parents. Did you have it rough? Were your parents paying you enough attention? If someone else went through what you did growing up, would you have compassion for them...so why can't you be this way towards your younger self?